Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
You Might Also Like
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.