Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.