8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
But is it really??
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
This made me smile…
Think I pulled my liver
Duck typos.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.