I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
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surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
my favorite genre of twitter
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?