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[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾