Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
You Might Also Like
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.