beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
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People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Everyone’s family
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.