Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
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My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job