With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
True.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.