*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
wish me luck lads
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!