So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
You Might Also Like
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Me, reading some of your tweets
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.