A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
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Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.