First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
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me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Snapes on a plane.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
me when i see my girls butt
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*