Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Most fashion shows these days…
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Simple