[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
The internet is magic sometimes.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.