As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
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I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.