Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.