Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed