What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
me linking you to my twitter
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.