Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
The glockness monster
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.