Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.