if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
You Might Also Like
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill