My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?