Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment