I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
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me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.