I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
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I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
The struggle is real.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Stop it! 😂
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.