Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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I’m aging like a fine banana
I know karate and tons of other words.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once