Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
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Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe