villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
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MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.