thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
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[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I told my vodka about you.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
dictator is short for richard potato
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.