*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….