HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I created you as mosquito food.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!