[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!