Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
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Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.