I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Meow
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.