Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
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Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.