May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
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Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
how was your vacation
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son