Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
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I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR