“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home