[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
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When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’