Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
#NoRestForTheWicked
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.