Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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meanwhile over on facebook
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.