So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
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If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume