Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.