My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”