Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
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Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
no regrets
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Beware…..
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?