me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
You Might Also Like
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”