Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
“you recording!?”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out