Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
i’m still crying at this
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me sliding into hell like