KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
called in thicc to work this morning
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
huge if true: the moon
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on